The Sex Diary of a
Vol. 5 Chapter III
[I have not looked through and corrected the foregoing manuscript. — The abbreviations may change the narrative but there is no help for it, if it is to be printed; yet but few incidents having any novelty have been erased, and the conversations with my women are just as I wrote them originally — the excisions excepted. — How delightfully the episodes come back to my memory as I read the manuscript. Incidents fading into forgetfulness come out quite freshly to me, and I almost seem to be living my youthful life over again. Would that I were going to do so, for it was a lovely time with women; and was only cursed by that one lasting, deep, irremediable error. [I am not sure about ages in one or two instances, nor the exact order of two or three of the more fugitive amours. I could perhaps set these quite right by reference to books now hidden and dusty, but it is not worth the trouble to do so. — None are of any real importance. I write for my pleasure alone, and if I print, shall print for my pleasure alone, so let the manuscript stand as it is paged.
[I notice now in reading it, that some of my raciest adventures, those which being unsought, those which fell to my lot as it were by accident, and which tho brief were among the most voluptuous, occurred whilst I had other and more enduring liaisons on hand. Such was my weakness and fondness for the sex, that I never could keep faithfully to any one woman absolutely, however much I loved her. I have wished and in-tended to do so, have tried hard, so hard, to avoid in-fidelity, but surrendered at last to the temptation. The idea of seeing another woman naked, of piercing a fresh cunt, seemed to foreshadow to me voluptuous pleasures never tasted before with any other woman. As my prick entered the cunt it had never touched before, the sensation always seemed to me more exquisite than that I had ever had with others. Yet many a time after such pleasures I have been disgusted with myself for my weakness, and tried to atone for it, without the object ever having been aware of the reason for my ultra kindness.
[The quality of manuscript still left for revision, alas, is long. Amongst it is an essay on copulation, written I think somewhat earlier than some I have revised, and written with such knowledge of the subject as I then had, as well as with some ignorance which I now see. It has that freedom of expression which I at once adopted in my narrative, and leaves no doubt in my own mind about what I meant then, and at all times. — It pleased me much when I wrote it, yet it must be sacrificed to time, money, and expediency — for it is not an incident, and forms no part of the history of my private life, tho it illustrates well my frame of mind and knowledge of things sexual, at the period of my life when I wrote it.
[This perusal brings prominently before me all my acts, deeds, and thoughts for full twenty years, and I perceive clearly, that altho I had done most things which were sexually possible once, and almost out of curiosity, or else on sudden impulse (up to about this period), yet that my habits with women in my lust were for the most part simple, commonplace, and unintellectual; and that I had not sought for out of the way lascivious postures and varied complex delights in copulation or its preliminaries, which a fervid, voluptuous, poetical imagination has since gradually devised for my gratification. This desire for variety seems to have commenced some time after I became acquainted with the second Camille.
[But by that time I was evidently no longer displeased with that which, in years previously, would have shocked me. My prejudices have now pretty well vanished with the approach of middle age. I have conquered antipathies and reaped the reward, in seeing before me a great variety of frolics, suitable to my maturity, but which I am glad I did not have prematurely in my youth when I did not need them, and should not have appreciated them as I do now. — It is amusing now to notice the gradual change from simply belly to belly exercise, which contented me, to the infinitely varied amusements since indulged in.
[No doubt in this I tread but in the ordinary footsteps and ways of male-kind. What I have done, thousands of others are doing. It is only when lustful impetuosity is weakened that reflexion and experience begin to devise new pleasures to aid it. As we get older we invent them as a stimulus, and woman thus become more and more charming, needful, and important to us; and just at a time when our responsibilities towards them become greatest. So by aiding and administering to us in our salacious devices, they reward us. In the end they are more and more needful to us, and we repay them by our generosity, our care of them, and our sacrifices for them. Nor are they behind us in desire to participate in these frolics, for they have lust as well as we. In a quiet, hidden way, they like lasciviousness if taught it gradually. But lust is mainly in we men — women are the ministers to it, it is the law of nature. — No blame attaches to woman for liking or for submitting to such frolics, abnormal whims, and fancies, which fools call obscene, but which are natural and proper, and perhaps universally practised, and which concern only those who practise and profit by them. In my experience many women delight equally in them, when their imaginations are once evoked. Nothing can perhaps be justly called unnatural which nature prompts us to do. If others don't like them, they are not natural to them, and no one should force them to act them.
[The foregoing and similar paragraphs, written long after the manuscript, are to be enclosed in brackets thus [ ] so that I may identify them when I see them (if I do) at a future day in print, and this writing destroyed.
[The headings of the chapters are now written for the first time. — They will be needful if this be printed. Now I resume my narrative.]
Whilst away I arranged it, and directly on my return to England gave up a snug, quiet, illicit establishment elsewhere, and to the satisfaction of both parties. Both agreed to it, and thought it was for the best. We had no quarrel. It cost much money down, and an annuity paid still, but no one was injured, no one wronged. All interested were provided for. I wonder if this will ever meet her eyes, or if so if she will know that it refers to her. It is not probable, for neither names, places, nor initials are given, and no clue afforded; yet nothing is impossible.
I had not returned to England a fortnight before a domestic turn-out took place, which caused me much annoyance but led me to unlooked for pleasure.
It has, I think, been said before that I had been for some time in better circumstances, had a larger house, more servants and so on. Among the servants whom I found on my return, was a parlour maid, a lovely girl with a superb pink and white complexion, and a skin which looked like ivory. She had darkish chestnut hair, soft hazel eyes, and a lovely set of teeth, was well grown, plump, and altogether a most desirable creature, and who looked a lady. Her name was Lucy. It passed through my mind that she would be an exquisite sweetheart, but I resisted incipient desire, avoiding by prudence and custom all intrigues with my own house-hold. Suddenly this girl was dismissed, and I was re-quested to dismiss my man, who had lived with us before I had left England, indeed had been in my service nearly two years. He was the best man I ever had, and was moreover a fine, handsome fellow, five feet ten high, and pleasant to look upon. He had been caught in loving familiarities with Lucy, who it was said also was with child by him; the poor girl had let this out to the cook or some one else, and the cook split upon her. James was impudent and denied it all, but I think the case was proved. It would not have done to have passed over open fornication. Had I done so, the habit would have spread throughout the household; so I reluctantly gave him notice. The poor girl went off very quietly in tears. I never felt so sorry for a woman, especially as whilst denying that she had let him have her, she said that he had promised her marriage, which James, when I told him, said was a lie. But this statement of hers confirmed me in the belief that he had tailed her. Lucy was however promised a character, and that nothing should be said about her faux pas, unless a question leading to it were asked. It was an unusual piece of charity of my old woman.
So nice a looking girl was of course sought after, and in two or three days ladies applied for her character, but none would take her. James had not gone because I could not get suited with another man. I spoke to him again, and accused him of cruelty and wickedness in promising marriage, but he still denied it altogether. "But the cook asserts she has seen you on the sofa in the dining room more than once." "She's a liar," said James, "but I've several times had her, and on that sofa too, and because I'd have no more of her, she's got up this tale." — James got then insolent.
Now in my dining-room was a sofa, tho not an usual piece of furniture in a dining-room; but I liked to lay there myself and read after dinner at times, so as to avoid the drawing-room and all that was usually in it. The footman and parlour maid laid the dinner things, waited at table, and cleared away, and so no other servant had any right in that room usually at those times, they had a nice chance and had availed themselves of it, I quite believed.
I wished the cook at the Devil for causing me to lose two nice servants, and immediately told my wife what I had heard about her.
She turned up into a high state of moral indignation, and had the cook up, and told her what James had said, I was asked to be present. Cook was fattish but had a pleasant face, was under forty — and I have fucked many a less tempting bit of flesh. — Never did a woman turn so red as she did. She was almost speechless, then almost choked, denied it, and dared the villain to say so to her face. I called him up. My wife said she could not have such investigations before her — yet she stayed. James repeated that he had been "very familiar" with her. — Cook howled, shed tears, and said he lied. He retorted that the kitchen maid knew it. The kitchen maid was called up and questioned in a most delicate way. — She first denied knowing anything about it, but catechised by James, said that the cook and he had certainly been to the top of the house to-gether at times when missus was out. She didn't know why, it wasn't her business to spy her fellow servants, and so on. And then said that the housemaid who slept with Lucy knew more than she did about Lucy and James. A regular shindy ensued among the servants, and it ended in the whole lot being discharged, excepting the lady's maid. Altho by no means sure that the footman had not accused the cook out of spite, I felt sure that he had got into Lucy under promise of marriage.
At the end of a week the poor girl came crying to us, and imploring that nothing should be said to prevent her getting a place. Then I found out her lodgings and went really and truly to comfort her. It was about ten o'clock in the morning. "Three pair front," said the landlady, not looking very pleasantly at me, and directly I had gone, as I heard afterwards, said "I ain't a going to have any of them games here. You take your-self off if swells like him visit yer." — So as I really was much interested in the girl, and had determined to help her, I arranged for her to meet me at Charing Cross that afternoon. I declare I had no intention of trying to have her, tho I had felt a desire for her. But I meant to try to get her married to my man. That was my vague notion.
She was a little late, and as I could not well talk with her in the street, I took her to the Cafe de P**v**e and ordered a little dinner in a private room. — She had had very bad food since she had left my house, and this nice dinner delighted her. Like all women of her class she refused it at first, was nervous, said she could not eat before gentlefolks, and was most uncomfortable, but it gradually wore off as the food warmed and the wine cheered her. Her lovely eyes began to sparkle and her tears dried up. Then cheered myself, a sudden throb of desire went through me. She has had it up her cunt, has been spent in, has clasped a man in her arms, has felt his prick. — I wonder if she has a pretty cunt, much hair on it, and a group of cognate thoughts came on and my prick was standing, and was within a couple of yards of that cunt. Did my lust communicate itself to her by subtle magnetic influence? how can that be known? But I became silent for the moment, and so did she, staring intently and, as I thought after-wards, voluptuously at me.
The dinner was not long about. Whilst eating I told her that I meant to help her out of her difficulties. "How?" she asked. Well I must feel my way, try if I could get James to marry her, or send her home, or get her a place, or a doctor if she wanted one. But I must know more than I did, must feel sure I was on the right path, she must tell me the truth, or I could do nothing. — This was varied by talk about myself and household, and I heard much that had taken place, and what had been said, during my absence; for this girl had become our servant just after I went abroad. The talk however always got back to the subject of her faux pas with James, and there was an undercurrent of lewedness, for it all referred to cock and cunt; tho not a word of smut had I used, as we sat eating so close to-gether, with my legs touching hers under the table.
The dinner was removed, but wine left, it was only sherry. Unnoticed I bolted the door, and down I made her sit with me on the sofa. "Now, Lucy," said I, "let us talk quite seriously about you and your belly; before I can do you any service, you must tell me the truth. Has James done it to you or not?" — After long hesitation she said slowly, "No." "And you're not with child?" "No." She did not look me in the face and became quite cast down. "He has never put it up you?" said I, revelling in the idea of evoking voluptuous recollections in the girl. "No sir," "Then if that be so, I don't see what use I can be to you, I was going, had you been fucked, and had you been with child, to have helped you to get rid of it, or to have sent you to your parents, till you were confined, or to some where else, and to nay for it all, for I much pity you. But now all you have to do is to get another place, which you are sure to do in time, so give me a kiss for my good intentions. I watched her closely as I said fucked, and saw her blush and wince, with a sense of modesty, and I felt a delicious lust creep through me when uttering the lewed words, and calling to her mind sexual pleasure.
For a minute she sat looking down speechless, and I repeated all I had said. She seemed to be struggling with herself, and at length raised her face to mine and kissed me. Then I kissed her passionately, and hugged her to me and kissed every part of her face, her ears, and eyes, and neck. — Her eyes filled with tears, she broke from me, buried her face in her hands, began crying violently, and saying that I was very kind. I tried to comfort her, putting my arm around her, kissing her, asking what it was all about, repeating, "Has he fucked you, has he? tell me, now tell me," but getting no reply for some minutes. Then her tears sub-sided and she sobbed out, "I told you a story, I'm past two months with child by James." And having made the confession she came to herself, kissed me whenever I asked her, and told me the history of her seduction (for that it was), whilst I cuddled her to me affectionately, making her sip sherry at times to comfort her, and keep her spirits up.
James had promised to marry her. One night he took her to the theatre, and then to have some drink in a house, and there he induced her to let him have her. Since then he had her repeatedly, and nearly always on the sofa in our dining room. For half an hour I questioned her and she told me all the detail, as if I were her confessor.
Then I repeated my promise. She was to consider what would be the best for her to do, but perhaps James would marry her. No he would not for she had written him, and he had not answered her letter. — I told her on no account was she ever to mention me to him, that she might be easy about money, for I would pay for all she needed, till she was out of her trouble. She said she didn't want money, having by her two or three pounds. I gave her more saying, "That will pre-vent your fretting." She was deeply grateful, and cried and kissed me again and again.
I can do her no harm thought I, for she is with child, and my prick swelled proudly. Voluptuous thrills passed through me as I thought of her cunt being within reach of my fingers, and I resolved to try for it. We finished the wine, she was heated, I again began talking about her love affair, and now in burning words of lust. My embraces, kisses, and lewed words excited her. Did he hurt her, when his prick first went up her cunt? Wasn't it pleasure to her, doing it. "Kiss me, Lucy." She kissed but did not answer. "How exquisite the sensations are just when the prick stiffens to its utmost when up the cunt, aren't they?" "Oh don't, sir, talk so," she burst out. "Why not, love? You know." Then my hand began roving about. "Have you much hair there, Lucy?" "I won't tell you, now leave off." "You garter above knee, don't you?" "Yes, sir." I pulled her further on the sofa, and still closer to me. pressing her closely to me, kissing her, telling her of my desire for her, in a few minutes my hand was on her thighs and roving up and down, then round her haunches as far as I could reach, it went over her smooth, sweet flesh; and then the fingers nestled between her notch, and when half hidden by the plump lips and the thick, silky hair which curled over my knuckles — there they rested — "I'm feeling your cunt, Lucy, I don't hurt you, do I now?" She replied not, but our kisses met, and we laid in silent enjoyment. I am feeling her, she is being felt. The fingers of a man, even if motionless, on a woman's cunt, inflame her.
Now I got burning with fierce desire, as my fingers played delicately with a well-developed clitoris. "Fucking is lovely, isn't it dear Lucy, feel my prick, love." Removing my hand from her cunt, I got out my prick, and placed her hand on it. Back went my hand between her thighs and recommended its delicate fingering. "Open your thighs dear, and let me feel lower down." "Oho," she gasped, as they widened apart, and softly with a burrowing motion, two fingers buried themselves in her vagina.
"How wet your cunt is, love — you want a fuck." Not a word she said, her breath seemed short, her eyes closed, she kissed me when ever I asked her, she was swooning with voluptuous feelings. "Let me do it, I want it so badly. You are so lovely and it can't hurt you now, let me." and I kissed her rapturously. "No," she whispered but almost inaudibly, holding my prick still in her hand. I took no denial, gently pushed her back, lifted her legs up, without resistance mounted her, and the next instant my pego was sheathed in a most heavenly cunt. With deep drawn sighs, Lucy clasped me to her and we fucked. "It's lovely, isn't it, dear?" "Ah-ho, o-ho," she whispered, and the next instant we were both spending in ecstasy.
What voluptuous, triumphant joy I had as, raising myself up partly, I looked at that lovely face. — My prick still buried up her. Then in tranquil enjoyment I lay kissing her, till my prick slipped out. How uncomfortable the sofa suddenly seemed to be. I have had scores of women on sofas, but how few sofas gave full comfort in copulating. That which we were on now was a miserably small one. I got up, so did she. "Wasn't it lovely, Lucy?" "Did you bring me here to make me do that?" said she sorrowfully.
I swore that I had not, — that it was only the result of her beauty, — an accident — that I suddenly had lusted for her. She shook her head as if she doubted me.
"I wish I could wash," said she. — I rang the bell, the chambermaid showed her a room. When she came back we had more wine. "I'm fuddled," said she, but she wasn't. "Never mind, I'll see you home, but come with me, we have some hours before us, and we will go where we can be more comfortable, finish your wine." In ten minutes I was in the room which I first entered with Sarah Mavis.
"It's a bad house," said she. "So they call it, my love, but it's good to us, so why is it bad? Take off some of your things, and we will talk about your troubles lying down." She was docile. Soon we were on the bed half undressed. — "Now don't be foolish dear. Let me look at it. I've fucked it, what can be the harm in looking at it?" In half an hour I had seen all, and we fucked as often as we could, till it was time to go. I took her to within sight of her lodgings in a cab.
The next day we dined together. I was wild to have her again, and as quickly as we could, we adjourned to J***s. St. I passed a delicious four hours with her. We both stripped to shirt and chemise. She was exquisitely formed, plump to perfection, without an ounce too much fat, and had the loveliest little cunt I ever saw, with a little nutty shaped clitoris, with a mere line of inner lip, and delicately puffed lips covered with bright, chestnut colored, silky, yet crisp hair, which only just covered her mount, and stopped half way down towards the bum hole. Her flesh enervated me with its sweet smell, she was one of those delicious-smelling women. The smell of her cunt was also exquisite, and I opened the lips again and again to smell it. My prick rose as its odour permeated me, I could not wait to enjoy my eyesight, but mounted her and fucked her madly.
When we had reposed a little, and her dear little cunt had absorbed some of my libation as we lay talking, I made her wash it clear of the remnant of the pearly sperm, and brought her with modest reluctance to the side of the bed, where I could get the best light. Then I looked well at her exquisite rosy aperture, and smelt, and sniffed its fragrance with rapture. At once my prick stiffened as the aroma penetrated me, but I re-fused to be hurried by it into blissful exhaustion so rapidly. Restraining myself, I gloated speechless on its beauty, and revelled in my inhalation. — What voluptuous thoughts rushed thro my brain as I knelt with the wide spread thighs before me. Then gently I put my tongue on her clitoris, and licked lightly, then it played over the whole surface of her cunt, now it protruded up her vagina as far as it could reach, then went again to the clitoris, then broadly over the whole lovely pink surface, covering it as it were, with a plaister. Suddenly in her lust, "Oh, what are you — doing?" she said, writhing, "Oho-a-ha." "Isn't it pleasure love?" "Oh, yes, oh — but don't — aha." On I went licking, sucking, tongue probing, now covering her cunt with my saliva, now sucking it up, mixed with her salt effusion. "Oh — don't — leave off — shall do it else," — she cried, with a bum jerk. "Spend, love, spend in my mouth," I cried, and licked still faster. — My hands were under her lovely white buttocks which wriggled gently side ways, then gently but quickly, up and down, rubbing her cunt against my tongue; her thighs opened wide and shivered, I took the whole surface of her cunt in my mouth, sucking, inhaling it, until — clutching the hair of my head with both hands, with a prolonged moan of pleasure — "Oh — o-ha," and a quiver of her belly, and short sobs, her muscles relaxed, her thighs and belly were quiet, a salt discharge came over my tongue, and all was silent all quiet, but my rigid, restless, prick, which was throbbing and knocking up towards my navel.
In full tide of lust and love for my delicious partner, I sucked her cunt dry, scarcely knowing that I did so. Then I arose. She lay motionless, with eyes closed, thighs distended, and hanging down, as I had dropped them. Every hair on her cunt was saturated, and the juices were running to waste down towards her bum-furrow. It hung round my mouth, and wet moustaches. I felt it there with delight. Holding up her thighs, I pushed my prick up her, and gave it a delicious lodging for a minute or two, till it got too impatient and threatened to finish without me. Then I withdrew it, and wiping her cunt dry outside with my hand, and drying my moustache, I laid by the side of her on the bed, and we talked of the tongue pleasure, which she had never tasted nor even heard of before. What delight I felt in having given that girl a new pleasure. She had fucked and frigged, but had never been gamahuched, until by me.
I feared to fuck her, tho burning to do so, lest my over excited machine should too hastily finish its enjoyment without giving her her share. "Feel my prick, there love, isn't it stiff? If I put it in you now, I shall spend directly, and you won't. Frig yourself a bit first." "Oh, I can't." "Nonsense, no stupid modesty, love — you've often done it to yourself. You've just told me so — haven't you?" "Yes but by myself." "Frig now." "Oh, no, no." "Let me then frig you, turn on your back." The lovely creature did so at once. I turned on my side against her, covered one leg with mine partly, and her mouth with mine, kissed her with wet lips and tongue, and excited her. Then I put two fingers as far as I could up her cunt. "Now love, do frig yourself." I stretched her cunt and felt its corrugated, wrinkled surfaces. "Frig, love, now whilst my fingers are up you, till you feel pleasure coming on."
Persuaded at length she did so without reply, gently as if ashamed. Then my prick now less rigid, I pressed up against her thigh as she lay, I whispered lustful words, a restless movement of her body came on soon, as her fingers moved nimbly over her clitoris. "Do you feel the pleasure, love?" "Yes," she whispered. Then gliding over her, I pushed my prick between the delicate lips and silken fringe, and it glided slowly and deliciously up her lubricious tube, till it touched her womb door.
Then gently backwards and forwards I moved it. We fucked. That glorious word expresses it all. Slowly, till urged by spermatic wants, that inner sovereignty or force within my balls, hurrying to ejaculate itself; quicker and quicker went my thrusts, her buttocks responded, her cunt gripped, till with short, sharp, thrusts and wriggles, my prick hit against her womb, her cunt constricted and ground, and sucked round my prick from tip to root, moistening both itself and occupant, and my sperm shot out, and filled it. "Ah — oho — my —love — darling — a —har — fuck a har," and we were silent, well pleased in each other's arms, our tongues together. Can paradise give any bliss like that which a man and woman enjoy, when loving each other and their prick and cunt perfectly fitting each other they join their bodies in copulation, till they pour out and mix together the unctuous salt juices, which reproduce their kind.
Again I gamahuched her, again I fucked, and again gamahuched. Her heavenly, voluptuous look as she spent I shall never forget. — I was frantic with lust for her. — Indeed had a love for her rapidly springing up; for not only did she seem to me, and indeed was the very perfection of sexual enjoyment, but she was lady like in look, in voice, and in manner, and so utterly unlike a servant, that any gentleman, had he married her, might soon have made her a lady; yet here was this poor girl with child by a footman. As I laid by her side that day, I vowed to myself to do all I could to prevent her going to ruin, for I noticed that her very docility would enable any rogue, male or female, to lead her easily. I have had more pleasure in writing this narrative about her than had when writing about other women, whose doings I have told about.
The girl was also chaste in words and in manner, which pleased me much in itself, and also because it gave me the opportunity of teaching her to use lewed words. It is to me one of the great charms of liaisons with women who are not gay, to make them speak in the coarsest language of their organs, wants and sensations, whilst I look them in the face. Two or three days afterwards in the middle of a fuck, I raised my-self up and leaning with both hands on the bed, whilst my belly pressed hers, and my prober was to its full length up her cunt: "Where is my prick now?" said I. No answer; her cunt tightened and moved my prick in it, but she replied not. "Where is my prick? say dear, say in my cunt," and I gave a thrust. "Say in my cunt," another thrust. Her eyes closed, she was coming spite of my prick being motionless. The grip of her cunt was on me, "Say in my cunt, or I'll pull it out. Say cunt, love." I moved spite of myself. "Say cunt." "Oh — a — har," — she sobbed. — "Cunt, dear." "In my cunt a — ha," — burst from her. "Oh," and drop-ping on to her and thrusting my tongue into her sweet mouth, in a transport of all-pervading voluptuousness we lay speechless in each other's arms, whilst the juices of our mouths mingled, and the thick hot sperm filled her cunt to over flowing. Then in the soft fondlings of satisfied lust, I made her repeat the four words, which express at once the simple loving function. I love to make a modest woman say them.
Daily she went after situations uselessly, and for nine or ten days I had this exquisite creature, and had I not just repented and got rid of a similar folly, really believe I should have offered to keep her, so nice was she in every particular. As a fuckstress she was perfection. Rarely have I found such an exquisite fitting cunt as Lucy had. Its delicate tightness and elasticity, its lubricity and smoothness, its depth, its nutcracking grip when the spending spasm was over — for she had involuntarily that gift — I have never found coupled in greater perfection in any women yet, tho I have had some as nice, and one always has a tendency to praise the charms of the woman in possession for a time.
My desire for gamahuching her increased instead of diminishing. I never tired of looking at her cunt. — So every time I fucked her, I made her wash, then bringing her to the side of the bed, I put pillows under her head so that I could see her, and sitting down on a chair, took her thighs over my arms, and looked at her exquisite pink orifice, till I dropped on my knees and put my mouth to it and sucked, till I gave her pleasure. Each day we parted both of us exhausted. But I must not any longer dwell on the charms of this lovely creature.