The Sex Diary of a
Vol. 9 Chapter V
Frances the tailor's daughter. • Struck with me. • My indifference. • A Priapean exposure. • Nelly's disappearance. • That night's meeting. • Easy victory, willing virgin. • Her history. • Father in hospital. • The wages of sin useful. • Parental obliviousness. • Frances in service. • In keeping. • H*l*n M***w**d. • Our first meeting. • Her physical perfections. • Money differences. • My promise kept. • A year's interval. • Friendship established. • Mutual meretriciousness. • Unrestrained sexual amusements. • Erotic tastes gratified. • Arcades ambo.
For two or three weeks after Agnes first left Nelly L, I did not go there. Then I resumed my visits, which led to an extraordinary piece of luck. — Nelly was in the same rooms, and had no servant, perhaps because she couldn't then afford to keep one. Occasionally I when she didn't expect me, and several times found her called between three and four o'clock in the afternoon sitting and working with a shabbily dressed, tallish, pale-faced, delicate, indeed refined looking girl, with blue soft eyes and brown hair. Seemingly she was about sixteen years of age, which indeed she was. The girl was scuffled out of the room quickly, but till she left, she kept as much as she could her eyes upon me enquiring, and as if struck with me. That passed through my mind but without its leading to any other thoughts about her, excepting that she was a genteel looking girl to be sitting with a thorough harlot, for Nelly now looked one and was.
Afterwards the girl was standing in the passage once or twice when I had written Nelly to expect me. I told her she was pretty, to which she made no reply, but looked me full and earnestly in the face. I told Nelly of this, who angrily remarked, "What does she do there?" — "Wants fucking perhaps, get her for me, I suppose she's had the doodle up her."
I scarcely ever saw Nelly excited but she was now. That she wouldn't. "She's never had it, I'm sure." — The girl was the eldest daughter of a tailor, who with a wife and four children had the top rooms of the house, they were most respectable people, had prayers morning and night, invited Nelly to join them at prayers, worked from morning to night, but could scarcely live, for all that and permitted their daughter to work in Nelly's room in the day time. Nelly had told them she was engaged at a theatre, perhaps they believed that, at all events knew that Nelly was a quiet woman who paid her rent, and even once lent the tailor a little money when he was hard up. The girl was working at waistcoats, in Nelly's room.
"You talk about fucking with her." — Nelly denied that, but afterwards admitted that at times they did, if they talked about marriage, or children. "Why of course you can't help talking about doing it, all girls do." — "She'll be fucked soon." — "If she be, it won't be any fault of mine." — "She's been fucked." — "I'm sure she hasn't." "Get her for me." — "That I won't." — Mine was mere joking, for I'd no desire for the girl. Soon after I fancied that this girl must have heard from Nelly when she expected me, and that she had taken a liking for me, I saw it in her eyes, and if caught in the room she evidently took as long to get out as she could, yet for a couple of months I thought nothing about that. Then it passed through my mind that a poke into her little quim would not be undesirable.
One evening in my shirt only, and Nelly in chemise, I was going to fuck her and had a glorious erection, when a knock came at the door of the sitting room. Nelly jumped up, saying, "Wait a minute it's the tailor's gal she's got something for me." — Partly closing the bed-room door, she let the girl in. I went to the bedroom door when they had been talking a minute. — Nelly had her back to me, the girl her face. — She saw me, but gave no signs of it to Nelly. Being lewed, I lifted my shirt and showed my pego. Still the girl gave no signs, but her eyes every minute went to my stiff penis, then to Nelly. Then I shook it at her, feeling delight at shewing it to one who probably had never seen, or certainly never handled a man's pego in that carnally excited state. A minute perhaps this went on, for they were engaged in an animated conversation about some-thing. Then Nelly turning round saw me, — I had just dropped my shirt, — and said, "Ar'n't you coming?" — She pushed the girl immediately out of the room. Whilst doing so and her back was towards me, I again showed the tailoress my stiff stander for an instant.
A week or so after that I called and the girl was there. To Nelly's annoyance I now kissed the girl who quietly submitted to it. Soon after when I called, a man was with Nelly, I went off and came back in an hour, and the tailoress was then in the passage. "You didn't tell Nelly I showed it you," said I. She shook her head but never spoke. Excepting one day after the cock exhibition night, I'd never heard the girl's voice.
Now came a passing desire for the wench and I spoke about her. Nelly repeated all. Thinking that the girl must know all about Nell's occupation, I said — "She'll soon get fucked I'm sure." — "Perhaps she will for they are dreadfully poor and she wants to go to service, but they won't spare her, but I won't have anything to do with your having her" — I thought no more about it for my desire was not strong.
About three weeks after this when I knocked at Nelly's door, it was opened by a man who said he'd been in the rooms a fortnight. Standing in the street wondering, disappointed, and much wanting a fuck, and thinking I'd try a French doxy, a girl came along carrying a small basket of vegetables. It was the tailor's daughter. "Why it's you, Miss Frances." — "Yes sir." Then she told me that Nelly left in a hurry, why she knew not, neither knew she where she had gone. We stood talking, my pego swollen with want of a woman, and the girl lovely in my eyes. I wondered if she'd been fucked, and a rush of cognate ideas coming, said, "Do you recollect my standing in my shirt?" — "Of course" — she replied quite calmly and without a smile as far as I could see by the light of the street lamps. Questioning her, she said she knew Nelly was gay, didn't think her father did, she'd never seen any one else in a shirt like me, and the placid manner and look of the girl was such, that I thought her one of the supremely cunning ones. She then looked round restlessly, saying, "I hope father won't catch me." Risking it I asked her if she'd come with me, have a glass of wine, and see me stand in my shirt again. I used no other language. She looked very queerly and earnestly at me. At length, "You're very fond of Nelly ain't you? she says you are." — "Pretty well, but I'm love with you." — "Oh you story." — "It's true — come now, and let me kiss those pretty lips, and I'll give you two sovereigns." — The girl got quite agitated, she seemed to shake — I repeated it. — "I would but am frightened." — "Oh come." — After a few minutes' persuasion, (had sensuous thrills in her cunt any-thing to do with it?) "I must take these up and get a bit to eat, and I'll come if mother lets me." — "I'll be here in half an hour with a cab, but if your mother won't let you?" — That agitated her more than ever, she reflected looking all the time at me. — "I will run out then, I will whether she lets me or not, I'm sick of home, but if father's at home, I daren't."
Has the little devil been fucked, and did Nelly fear my taking a fancy to her; that passed through my mind. If she had, it would still be a youthful cunt, one wanting a fuck, and that would be a treat in itself. As it was or would be soon my dinner time, I went to a fish-shop, dined off oysters, bought a cake and bottle of Sherry, and was in a cab near the house at the appointed time. Soon after she came running down the street. — "Mother wouldn't let me, so I ran off, and father isn't at home." Ten minutes after we were in a nice bedroom.
She was tired, had had nothing to eat since break-fast, none of them had for they were short of work, her father had gone to try to get some. — "I'm sick and tired on it, when other girls get a good living and nice clothes, and they won't let me" — said Frances. Her eyes shone when she saw the cake, she gobbled, she stuffed herself with it, but took wine sparingly. What struck me is the way she fixed her large blue eyes on me all the time she was eating, without speaking. — Was she thinking of fucking? How I should have liked to have known her thoughts. Was her cunt heating voluptuously? I wished I'd been her cunt to have felt its sensations. I was longing to grope her but restrained myself, talked about Nelly and her fucking, to which she made no reply whatever, tho now and then her eyes blinked, and a flush came over her face.
Her belly full, I got her on to my knees and kissed her rapturously. She returned my kisses as if she'd known me a month, as if fond of me. I got my fingers on her cunt, she closed her thighs. "Oh don't," said she modestly. — "Let's feel it love, don't be foolish." — Then my fingers had their way, gently I slid one back to-wards the aperture thro which love enters, whilst she laid her head on my shoulder, and arm round my neck in such a loving way, that I didn't know what to make of it. Her thighs every now and then closed gently as my fingers advanced. — I spoke about fucking — ah! ah! an obstacle. — "Oh you hurt." — Then gently, delicately, I nearly satisfied myself she was virgin, and was in the seventh heaven. "You've never been fucked?" — "No one's ever done what you're doing," said she beginning to cry. I comforted her and gave her more wine, ceasing to grope, tho yet not absolutely satisfied of her virginity; it seemed so improbable.
Without any difficulty after a little more talking about fucking, I led her to the bedside, there kneeling, and throwing up her clothes, kissed motte and belly. But she wouldn't open her thighs. — "Oh! — no — don't now sir." Then rapidly I threw off all clothing but my shirt, and showed my stiff prick. — "Lay hold of it, look at it dear."
I'm sure that my prick when stiff, is not always the same, nor has it the same rigidity; it is longer, thicker, and stiffer at times, than at other times of its erection. Now it seemed bigger than ever, long, thick and as rigid as a horn, almost painfully turgid was it as I put her hand round it. The girl held it motionless, staring at it silently. Then both of us leaning against the bed, she still grasping my staff, I felt her notch and gently frigged her. Nature impels me to do this with every woman especially with one not gay, the feel of the clitoris to me is delicious, and more so when the gentle agitation of the lady's belly and thighs, warn me that lust is running through her frame, that voluptuous tightenings in her cunt prepare her for erotic ecstasies. "Aha!" she murmured and her hand closed convulsively on my pego. A woman's hand always does that when a strong voluptuous thrill passes from her cunt through her body. "Aha — A — har." — "Get on the bed love" — unhesitatingly she got there for, she'd come for fucking. — I had not asked her to take her clothes off, fearing delay.
Side by side for a minute we lay handling cock and cunt, her arm round my neck, mine holding her head to me, kisses alone heard. My pego began to throb. Never more sure of its potentiality I had no nervousness, knew that the stubborn tool would rupture the toughest hymen, would go thro two, would almost split a cunt if it were too small. — "Let me love." — "You'll hurt." — "No love." — "Don't put it far in then." — "I won't" — saying that I turned her on her back and mounted her, in a second lodged my prick against the little sloping inlet, felt the barrier of her chastity, and with all the force and weight of loins and buttocks gave splitting thrusts. "Hoh — oho" — she moaned. But ere she'd time to murmur more, my prick plunged thro the impeding cartilage and its whole length was buried in her cunt, her virginity was gone, a bleeding ragged edge alone remained of it, and a torrent of semen was jetting into her. I could not wait to give her pleasure, for my sperm was seething in my balls, my prick mad to flood that virgin avenue, to consummate the object of her birth, to open the gates of sexual pleasure to her.
Tranquil, with my pego up her, quietly she then lay answering the questions I always put to a just fucked virgin. It didn't hurt her now, it was not much pleasure. "Not so much as when you frig yourself." — "Oh! I don't know." — "Let me get up." — I withdrew my prick, and with a towel wiped her cunt, which was bleeding. Advising her to keep the towel there she did, but began to cry. Giving her more wine, I laid down by her side again comforting her. Then we sat by the fire, and she — her heart opened by wine, and food, and fucking, — she told me all about their miserable poverty, how they could barely get enough to eat, work as they might. Nelly often gave her some of her food. She wished to go to service, but the parents refused it, she was so useful to them. Then she told Nelly she'd "go gay" but Nelly strongly advised her not. Her parents were kind, but, — "Look what a miserable dress mine is, other girls dress well and get their bellies full, we often can't• get enough to eat, yet we work all Sundays at times, tho father says it's wicked. Father is out looking for work now."
It was a sad history to hear, but what a bit of luck for me. — After taking her clothes off to her poor dirty chemise, I felt her soft little cunt — such a small one, still moist with my libation, still slightly bleeding, and we talked on, but now mostly about fucking, sexual matters, and her own habits. She answered my questions in a frank free manner, as if we were old acquaintances, but in a resigned sort of way. Soon she felt my pego which had not yet risen again, and I taught her how to frig it up, whilst gently I frigged her almost impalpable clitoris, and we kissed in silence, the delicious excitement of soul and body satisfying us without talk. Her bum moved uneasily and a soft sigh escaped her. "Does that give you pleasure?" — "Yes." — Her thighs closed on my hand and another sigh came. — "Shall you spend?" — "I shall do it if you don't leave off." —Then up I rose, found blood upon my thigh, and quick as lightning a letch seized me.
I put her at the bed edge. "What are you doing?" "We'll fuck here love." The next minute my prick was buried in her lubricious cunt. Fucking slowly, I saw the shaft redden as the blood oozed slowly from her lacerated maidenhead, I gloried in it as I saw the gleam of my prick, moistened and shining with the juices from her cunt, reddening more and more as it went in and out of her; the sanguinary sight added to my pleasure and my lust. I told her of it. "The blood and spunk is in your cunt, more spunk's going into your — c-hunt —Aha — sp — unk." — I cried out in delicious rapture as my prick poured out its second libation, and she lay breathing out sighs and soft murmurs and spending with me. Three-fourths of the pleasure of having a virgin is in teaching her, making her for the first time spend with me. She whose fingers alone had given her sexual pleasure before.
We lay side by side on the bed so soon as my prick had left the lubricious avenue, and we talked now only of the way in which penis and pudenda were fitted for each other. — "Ah — yes — heavenly — oh yes — much nicer than doing it to myself." During the voluptuous talk, Frances kept kissing me with strong sighs of affection, and we felt each other's genitals till we had dried up the evidences of our love. But the red stain remained on my prick, and with pride I showed it to her. "It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, and did you really put it all in?" asked she.
Now she was anxious to get home. With warm water she washed her quim which had nearly ceased bleeding, no blood was on her chemise fortunately, she remarked. I had a hurried look at the damaged little aperture, which so short a time before was virgin, and longed to probe it again, but my procreator was recreant. — In vain I frigged it looking at the pretty decorated cunt all the time, but having done duty twice within the hour, it refused further exercise, and as her anxiety was great I let her go. She agreed to meet me again. If they hindered her she would run away, never go back, and would tell them so. She could write, but correspondence was for the moment difficult, so it was arranged that on the fourth day at seven o'clock she would be near the end of her street. "I'll be there, nothing shall stop me, and I'll get my best clothes out of my pawn." Delighted greatly with my quite unexpected good fortune, I gave her three sovereigns instead of the two promised, whereupon she burst into tears, and said, "Nelly told me you were the kindest friend she ever had." — I took her in a cab to the corner of the street, fingering her little cunt at the last minute, and found it still bleeding.
At the appointed day and time she was there, off we drove. "Father's in hospital, and I've got my best things out," said she in the same breath and kissing me. We were feeling each other's privates on the road to the baudy house, she put her hand on my prick instantly on my invitation, and at intervals told me what had occurred at her home since the eventful night. She was overflowing with news.
In the bedroom we lost no time, I was hot for her, her cunt moist and ready for fucking, so without undressing I put her on the bedside, had a hurried look at her secret charms, then mounting fucked, and both finished our pleasure in a couple of minutes. Then near the fire we sat without ablution, for I like to know that the evidence of our pleasure remain on our genitals, — and she told everything voluminously, which briefly was this. Of the truth I have no doubt, having taken the trouble to go to the hospital to enquire, and the poor girl was in love with me, and was frankness itself.
Questioned by her mother she'd refused to say where she had been, and whilst having words, news was brought that the father was in hospital, having been knocked down and run over. The mother said they must go to the workhouse, being in debt, owing rent, having pawned all clothes. Then Frances said she'd got money, and would buy food. Another scene. Where had she got the money? not honestly the mother was sure; the children and she would sooner starve or beg in the streets than eat food bought with the money. Frances said that some one had lent her money, but wouldn't say who. After a time when empty stomachs pinched next morning, the end came. The mother cried, and abused her, but they were all fed with what the mother called "the wages of sin" (here Frances cried), and ever since had lived on those wages. Frances paid the arrears of rent, got some clothes out of pawn, and they had their bellies fuller than they'd been for weeks. The mother now was sullen, asked no questions, said she did not want to know, was sure her father would break his heart when he knew, and so on. Frances told her mother that before he came out of hospital, she'd run away, on which the mother begged her not, and so matters stood.
"Then you've spent all your money." — "Lord bless you sir, I ain't. — The rent was so much, the pawn money and small debts so much. She told me, "I've only spent four shillings a day for food and we've lived first rate and mother's had beer twice a day, it never costs us more than half a crown a day when we've lots of work." — The girl had about half a sovereign left which she showed me. It was a curious episode, and the way such poor people live interesting, yet it pained me, particularly as this girl began to show an affection for me, I had suspected it, but here I shall give no further account of it.
Then I gave myself up to erotic and sexual delight with a willing partner. What joy a woman must have, when for the first time she clasps in secrecy and security a good stiff stander, knows that she may handle and look at it, that it will stretch her cunt, and give her the divinest pleasure. What delight to her as she lets the man look at her cunt, that cunt which she has been taught to hide from every one, yet which she has since puberty or before, been longing to show to a man. That was Frances' pleasure. The evening was spent in handling and looking at our genitals without ceasing, unless when they were coupled and we could handle and see them no longer. Thrice we fucked, thrice did the dear lass spend, then able to do no more with my prick, my tongue came to my aid and I gamahuched the lovely little furrow for half an hour, till she begged me to leave off, and I almost lost the power of moving my tongue thro fatigue.
On parting I gave her more gold, telling that another time I couldn't give so much. At that she cried, saying she didn't want any money but only to see me. — "And to fuck, Frances?" — "If you like to do it you always may." — She cried more when she heard that I could not see her for a week. Some cake was left, for I'd taken a cake and wine again. — "I'd like to take that bit home for the children, only mother will ask questions." — But she took it away. Then we met two or three times more, but I could not spare her so much use of my prick. Then her father was about to be discharged from the hospital. — During his absence Frances had kept the entire family, "with the wages of sin," which the mother quite ceased speaking of.
I was about leaving town for a short time and wished to know what she was going to do. She'd go to service if she could get a place, if not she'd be gay. She wasn't going to work at tailoring, to be a slave yet be half starved. I advised service. Nelly had advised that, and she resolved to try service, but feared she'd only get into a small tradesman's house, where she'd "be a scrub," and work as hard as at home. — This was talked over with many tears because she shouldn't see me. She'd stop at home with her parents and go on tailoring, if I'd only see her, and she didn't want any money, she kept repeating.
Some how this affair pained me, I had taught her fucking, taken her maidenhead, but it had come about without premeditation. Experience teaches me that a girl in that condition of poverty, the acquaintance of a gay woman, with desire for nice clothes, with youthful blood heating her cunt and stirring up her lust, is certain to be fucked soon, good girl as she might have been, so my conscience didn't trouble me. Yet I felt sorry, for the girl had a strong liking for me. The end was however inevitable. I gave her five sovereigns, advised her not to let her parents know she had so much, to go to service at once, and on no account to let any one fuck her. The latter injunction she agreed to indignantly, "I'll never let any one else but you." She meant it poor girl, but I knew it would be other-wise. A girl in her condition of life who has had five or six nights' fucking, will never go long without having it again. Tho I advised it, why should I have advised her to forego that which is the better part of life? "Nature will however have its way in the teeth of any advice, fucked she will be again" — so thought I.
I gave her a name and place where letters would await me and her. She was specially to write me any change in her address. I was away a short time and never intended seeing her again, or calling for letters, yet after a few weeks did so. There were three awaiting me. The father hadn't broken his heart but like the mother ignored the circumstance, "the wages of sin" hadn't choked any of the family. She'd gone to service, but had to do such dirty work that she went home again. She meant to try another place. The father had some sort of place offered him where the weekly money was certain, he would take it, and they were going to move. I left a letter for her naming a meeting. She came, and a splendid fucking bout we had. She swore she'd not had any other man, and had not been in the family way.
I gave her gold, and said I was going abroad, not wishing to keep up the acquaintance. — After a time nevertheless I went for letters being curious about her. There were several, all sorrowing at not seeing me again. I'd got her in the family way last time, but a fortune teller had set that to rights. She was in service, didn't like it, but wouldn't go back to her father who'd moved miles off. A gentleman had met her when out on Sunday, and offered to take her to Manchester to live with him. She thought she'd go and wished I'd tell her what to do. I let the matter drop, never answered her, and never have seen her since, thinking that best for both.
She was a tall thin girl but well shaped, with bubbies scarcely showing, with but little buttocks, with one of the smallest looking cunts I ever saw, and with scarcely a bit of nymphae or clitoris, yet of course it took my prick up easily. There was but little hair on it of a lightish brown color. her face was handsomish, and she'd lovely large voluptuous blue eyes. No man could pass without noticing them. I believe if she grew older and got well fed, she must have been very handsome. She was by nature voluptuous, but never was immodest, and was quite refined for her class of life. The restless way her hand moved about my ballocks, so soon as I'd made her acquainted with it, was unusual. She never relinquished it when we were sitting or laying together. I like to record the different ways of females. She was juicy cunted and spent copiously.
Two months after this I met Nelly on the pave and went home with her. She said she'd been to see her mother. I'm sure that was false, but never got the truth. She now was in better lodgings, and had got very tidy furniture in them. As I believed she was very poor when she so suddenly disappeared, this added to the wonder. I told her I'd fucked the tailor's daughter. — "I thought Frances would have it before long," said she.
The year beginning in the previous November with the lady of my silver watch, had more amorous incidents in it than usual, more narrative worth telling.
One night soon after this, I met at the A*g**e rooms H*l*n M***w**d and was struck with her instantly. My experienced eye and well trained judgment in women, as well as my instincts, told me what was beneath her petticoats and I was not deceived. I have had many splendid women in my time, but never a more splendid perfect beauty, in all respects. Of full but not great height, with the loveliest shade of chestnut hair of great growth, she had eyes in which gray, green and hazel were indescribably blended with an expression of supreme voluptuousness in them, yet without baudiness or salacity, and capable of any play of expression. A delicate, slight retrousse nose, the face a pure oval, a skin and complexion of a most perfect tint and transparency, such was H*l*n M. Nothing was more exquisite than her whole head, tho her teeth were wanting in brilliancy, — but they were fairly good and not discoloured.
She had lovely cambered feet, perfect to their toes; thighs meeting from her cunt to knees and exquisite in their columnar beauty; big, dimpled haunches, a small waist, full firm breasts, small hands, arms of perfect shape in their full roundness. Every where her flesh was of a very delicate creamy tint, and was smooth to perfection. Alabaster or ivory, were not more delicious to the touch, than her flesh was every where from her cheeks to her toes.
Short, thick, crisp yet silky brown hair covered the lower part of her motte, at that time only creeping down by the side of the cunt lips, but leaving the lips free, near to at her bumhole, a lovely little clitoris, a mere button, topped her belly rift, the nymphae were thin, small, and delicate. The mouth of the vulva was small, the avenue tight yet exclusively elastic, and as she laid on her back and opened her thighs, it was an exquisite, youthful, pink cunt, a voluptuous sight which would have stiffened the prick of a dying man.
Her deportment was good, her carriage upright but easy, the undulations of her body in movement voluptuous, and fascinating; every thing, every movement was graceful; even when she sat down to piss it was so — and taking her altogether, she was one of the most exquisite creatures God ever created to give enjoyment to man — with all this grace, and rich, full, yet delicate of frame, she was a strong, powerful woman, and had the sweetest voice — it was music.
I saw much of this in her at a glance, and more completely as she undressed. Then the sweetest smell as if of new milk, or of almonds escaped from her, and the instant she laid down I rushed lasciviously on her cunt, licked and sucked it with a delight that was maddening. I could have eaten it. Never had I experienced such exquisite delight in gamahuching a woman. Scarcely ever have I gamahuched a gay woman on first acquaintance, and generally never gamahuched them at all.
As I went home with her in a cab I had attempted a few liberties, but she repulsed them. — "Wait till we get home, I won't have them in a cab." — Directly we arrived I asked what her compliment was to be. — No she had never less than a fiver. — "Why did you not tell me so, and I would not have brought you away. — What I give is two sovereigns, here is the money, I am sorry I have wasted your time" — and was going. — "Stop," said she — "don't go yet!" — I looked in my purse and gave her what I could — it was a little more than the sum I'd named — and promised to bring her the remainder of a fiver another day. Then I fucked her. — "Don't be in such a hurry," I said, for she moved her cunt as women either do when very randy, or wishing to get rid of a man. That annoyed me, but oh my God my delight as I shed my sperm into that beautiful cunt, and kissed and smelt that divine body, and looked into those voluptuous eyes. I had at once a love as well as lust for her, as my prick throbbed out its essence against her womb. — But she had no pleasure with me. — She was annoyed and in a hurry, she had another man waiting in another room in the house to have her — as she has told me since.
What was in this woman — what the specific attraction, I cannot say, but she made me desire to open my heart to her, and I told rapidly of my amatory tricks, my most erotic letches, my most blamable (if any be so) lusts; things I had kept to myself, things never yet disclosed to other women, I told her rapidly. I felt as if I must, as if it were my destiny to tell her all, all I had done with women and men, all I wished to do with her, it was a vomit of lascivious disclosures. I emptied myself body and soul into her. She listened and seemed annoyed. She did not like me.
Nor did she believe me. Two days afterwards, I took her the promised money, she had not expected it, and then deigned to ask if she should see me again. No. She was far too expensive for me — not that she was not worth it all. — Yea more — but blood could not be got out of a stone. — I had not the money and could see her no more. — "All right," she replied very composedly and we parted. As I tore myself away, my heart ached for that beautiful form, again to see, smell, to kiss, and suck, and fuck that delicious cunt, to give her pleasure if I could. Tho I saw her afterwards at the A*g**e rooms — even went to look at her there, I resisted. — What helped me was the belief that I was distasteful to her, why I could not tell, and a year elapsed before I clasped her charms again.
On leaving her that day, I could think of nothing but her, went to a woman I knew, and shut my eyes whilst I fucked her, fancying she was H*l*n M. — "You call me H*l*n," said she. "You know a woman of that name I suppose," — I told her it was the name of my sister. Not the only time the same thing has happened to me, and in exactly the same manner with other ladies when fucking them, but thinking of another.
When I had her again she was in even more complete beauty, had more hair on her motte, and a thick tuft just above the opening of the notch. — Her limbs were larger and finer. I was frank, told her what money I could afford, that I never lied nor broke my word to women. She I think began to believe me, but it's difficult to gauge the depths of a gay woman, and difficult for any woman who has been gay long, to believe any man. — But things were changing, I began to see her for my pleasures, and her only — if I had an occasional letch, a chance fuck with another, I nearly always told her, but that was after I had known her a year or so. — If she then asked what I did not wish to tell, I said I should tell a lie or be silent. — So our meetings were pleasant, and I revelled in her beauty, and tho no longer young, have many a time fucked her thrice with-in an hour. — Then she began to spend with and enjoy me, which added to my delight; for in later years, giving pleasure to the woman is almost as great a pleasure to me, as my physical delight in her.
But she would not for long afterwards lend herself to my erotic fancies. She had them in her head, in her mind, in her imagination, and wished for many — I believed most. — She was lewed and voluptuous from only granting a few of my wishes from time to time as the greatest favour. Yet she longed for them at the very time she refused, and in the night and morning by herself in bed, practised them all mentally, her imagination filled with baudy images, whilst with her pretty fingers she frigged her delicate clitoris, for she was sensuousness itself, and a masturbatrix from her child-hood. It was only after I had known her three or four years, and she'd disclosed involuntarily almost in our voluptuous conversations the secret desires of her nature, that she practised with me the frolics she never had done with any other man. — Then we studied lasciviousness in all its varities, for I had conquered all ridiculous ideas she had had as to the sinful usage of her body — of the wrongfulness, of the shame in certain sexual acts. — She agreed with me that cunt, prick, and arsehole, mouth, armpits, feet and fingers, and all parts of the body, men and women might use to give themselves sexual pleasure, and endear themselves to each other — that nothing they did to each other was wrong, that their doings concerned themselves alone, that all sexual instincts were both proper and natural to gratify.
[This will be seen and the lustful amusements we both enjoyed described — nothing I have done with any other woman which I did not do with her. One fancy begot another, and erotic conceptions crept on us gradually.]
She said that she'd never done such things with an-other man — not even with the man she'd once loved, who had kept her, — nor with those she'd lusted for — for she had strong likings — that men had never suggested strange letches to her. I expect she alone indulged with me in them, because sensuously our temperaments were the same. She matched me in lasciviousness, and moreover knew there was not the slightest chance of my divulging our erotic tricks, to either man or woman.
Many who have not tasted our sexual pleasures will call them beastly. They are not. But what if they are? —What are all the physical functions of man and woman, what are chewing, drinking, spitting, snotting, urinating, farting? — What is copulation? is that beastly? — Certainly it is what beasts do. — They will call that natural perhaps, but it's a purely animal act, tho not specially beastly to me. — What is a woman's cunt? — feel it when not recently washed, or when the prick has just left it and the semen is lying thick inside and out. Is that beastly or not? What is the joining of two tongues, the mixing of salivas, the gluing of two mouths together when fucking? — beastly? But there is no harm in these it will be said, it's natural. — Be it so. — So are other erotic amusements equally natural and not more beastly. — What more harm in a man's licking a woman's clitoris to give her pleasure, or of she sucking his cock for the same purpose, both taking pleasure in giving each other pleasure. So if a man plugs a woman's bumhole with his finger when they are copulating or gamahuching, and so with other sensual devices and fancies, they are all equally natural tho many may not enjoy them. — All are permissible if a couple do them for mutual delight, and are no more beastly than simple human copulation, which is the charm of life, — the whole object of life, — and indulged in by all as much as their physical powers permit — yet it's not thought beastly.
Imagination plays a most important part in all acts of love and lust, which are nearly if not quite synonymous terms. All human affections are generated by the act of copulation and its preliminaries. — It is the dull boor, to whom a woman is warm flesh with a hole for fucking and no more — the man who has no imagination, — who is incapable of highly wrought sensual delights and fucks when his seed makes his cock restive, — only thinking of his woman then, and rumps her directly he has done with her — who is the beast — for he only does exactly what the beast, the animal does, and no more. — The couples blest with imagination, they who by various excitements of which a mere animal is not capable, bring fucking to intellectual height, make it a dream of the senses, make lust and love in its sensuous elevation ethereal, a poetic delirium, — they are not the beasts. But reduce coition to the mere act, and the inevitable sequel of the seed laying in the cunt, and the prick dwindling out wet and flaccid — at once that couple are brought to the level of beasts, and of those stupid asses who in their incapability of doing more than the horse, the hog and the dog, those who rut and ruddle like every other animal from a louse to an elephant, — such are the beasts, and not those who worshipping Eros, raise fucking by their imagination and sensuous preliminaries almost to a divine level.
H*l*n and I after a time laughed to scorn the crude notions of those animal idiots, who think that all is beastly excepting simply putting a cock into a cunt — which is what beasts usually alone do, — and amused ourselves erotically as we liked. I wholly for love and lust, she for the same and perhaps also a little for money, — all women are alike in that — but at length she indulged with me in Paphian pleasures for love alone — for our mutual satisfaction.
[Now I follow the course of the events, and have done with sexual essays and opinions as to what is beastly or natural, or what man and woman may do with their genitals.]