Vol. 9 Chapter XIII

H*l*n again. • Financial arrangements. • Mutual erotic tastes. • Hers for gamahuche. • Her sexual strength. • Baudy books in bed. • Varied amorosities there. My smooth skin. • Animalism cum ideal-ism. • Needless repetitions in this narrative. • On a metropolitan railway. • Female costermonger in wrong class. • A stern guard. • My aid and recompense. • At the terminus. • In the half formed road. • Against a wooden fence. • The voice in the dark. • Rapid flight. • Voluptuous sensations in a lusting quim. • White stockings in a fog. • "Ain't you got cheek." • Favours in the mews. • Fucking con amore solamente. • We separate as strangers.

Returning to England, H*l*n M. seemed much pleased to see me. After visiting her a few times, she agreed to accept what I could afford, and I became a regular friend tho I did not see her frequently. — What with presents, and years after assistance when she was in difficulties, the cost of her charms increased rather than diminished, but I was content and saw her when-ever the troubles of life made me miserable, and then her intense beauty, and most exquisite sexual inter-course relieved me. By degrees it was that we got to confidences. She left gay life two years after, and gradually each understanding the erotic tastes of the other, our sensuous temperaments being similar, we gave way to all our devices, and she did with me and others, and saw done with me and others, acts which when regularly gay — she had never seen or done. — The incidents as written would have disclosed this gradually, but this preface is now necessary, so much manuscript having to be burnt.

As said, — since my lingual amusements on Miss E*w***s pudenda — gamahuching had become a greater pleasure to me. — Formerly at the sight of a lovely woman, my first thought was of her cunt, and my first desire to fuck her; now quite as frequently, my first desire is to give her cuntal pleasure with my tongue, — what the special attraction in a woman is, which makes me desire to gamahuche instead of fuck her, I can't say, have often tried to solve that problem without success, but certain it is, that this gamahuching is not generated in me by every woman.

This letch was roused in my be H, the first time I had her. On subsequent visits she refused it, and anxious to please her, satisfied by the exquisite pleasure she gave me, I contented myself with fucking her only. But as she learnt a little of my secret life and told me hers, gradually disclosed her erotic tastes and letches which all gay ladies have — for lust increases with the knowledge of what lust can do — I found she liked it. Towards the end of this year, one afternoon being in bed together and I ready to mount her, she said looking at me voluptuously, "Put your little head down first." — For the moment I didn't understand, but in a minute my tongue was on her clitoris, she spent under its delicate irritation, and I was delighted. Subsequently we nearly always commenced our active pleasures with lingual play, and I found out in time her extreme sexual force. She could spend two or three times under the gamahuche, and then enjoy my prick three times, as well as if she'd had no spend before. — Generally she did all this amorous work without a sign of fatigue. I never knew a woman of such sexual strength.

We used at times to lay in bed reading baudy books. Then I would gamahuche her, and she liked the lingual exercise continued almost directly after her spend. A few minutes' repose only and I'd fuck her, then we'd go on reading. Sometimes she'd read until suddenly she'd frig herself, laying back, grasping my prick hard with one hand, even hurting it sometimes, with eyes closed, more frequently looking me full in the face eyes wide open, with a wonderful voluptuous expression, till her breath shortened, her lovely thighs and belly quivered, then her eye lids drooped till her body was quite tranquil. — Then with the remark, — "We are beasts," — our reading was resumed. So we went on for hours, fucking, gamahuching, and she frigging herself at intervals — both drinking champagne from time to time — for I always at last took that exhilarating, kidney stimulating liquor to her. H*l*n was made for fucking.

The feminine softness of my skin was always ad-mired by gay women, whose lust often times seemed stimulated by feeling it. Many a one has desired a second poke on account of its nice feel. Now in my maturer years it has the same effect on women, which I should not have expected. The narratives of several incidents shewing this have been destroyed, but enough preserved to prove it. H*l*n by feeling it, found it increased her liking for me — mere lust that perhaps — but what voluptuousness is added to fucking, when a man and woman like feeling each other's bodies. If only mere animalism this, why speak slightingly about that, why not accept it philosophically. Our brains work with our bodies sympathetically in the physical junction of cock and cunt, and for the time the couple love each other, love till the ecstatic crisis is over. Man and woman can both intensify their physical pleasure by thought, can fancy any one or anything, when fucking. — When the carnal exercise is finished, the libation given — all is over.

As I read this later manuscript now, I come upon opinions and scraps of conversation on sexual matters, which altho apropos of the event, seem to me to have been said before on many similar occasions, on exactly the same subjects. — If so it is needless repetition, but it's now impossible to refer back — Better perhaps repetition than total omission.

I had been to my stock brokers one day at the beginning of November this year, had luncheon in the City, called at a friend's office, and at about half past five o'clock got into a first class metropolitan railway going to the north west, where I was going to have a friendly dinner with a man. The carriages were full, in ours but one place was vacant, when just as the train started in rushed a woman and took it. She saw at once that she'd made a mistake, and smiled at no one in particular, looking anxiously, about, and as if she'd never been in such a carriage before. She then looked at every one of us in turn, with an expression on her face of, — "You know I'm in the wrong carriage and so do I." — They were mostly elderly men, tired perhaps with business, and beyond giving a glance at her, took no further notice and read their newspapers. I kept my eyes on her for she was coarsely handsome, was opposite to me, and our knees nearly met. Soon I put foot and knee against hers, and a thrill of desire shot through me directly they touched. A desire to see, to feel her cunt, to fuck her, which like lightning goes thro me at times, and almost immediately when I see certain women, I believe that feeling creates a secret sympathy between us, and if the concupiscence in one or other of us be strong, that it is communicated to the other, if he or she be physically in a receptive state which is only if the blood be warm, the organs charged, and cock and cunt be ready for amourous endearments.

She was a well grown, good looking woman about twenty-three years old, of the costermonger class. She looked like one who sold goods from a barrow, or a very small shop. She was commonly but comfortably clad, not warmly enough perhaps for well to do people, but enough so for her class who don't feel cold as we do. She had a vulgar hat — half bonnet — on, yet not a flashy one, and a good, bright, short woolen shawl, over her shoulders. Her face was coarse but good featured, and a little browned (tho winter) by exposure. Her eyes were dark and full, her hair dark brown. She had a full bust, and I knew at a glance had a good fat bum and thighs, from the room she occupied on the seat. — Her hands were discolored with working, a color which would not readily wash off, the color of healthy labor, for she didn't look unclean at all; her nails were quite short and she'd a wedding ring on. I sat looking at her, and she at me at last, till leaning back, purposely I pushed forward both my knees, and touched hers, of which act she took notice, not being accustomed to such refinements. Then my prick began to swell, and she to fix her eyes on me. — Did she feel lewed at that moment also? — how I should like to know.

I began to scheme how to have her. How many times I have done so in public vehicles without fixed intention. It seemed absurd, but such seemingly improbable successes with women have fallen to my lot — and thro perseverance mainly I think — that I gave reins to my wishes. — Nil desperandum. Pushing myself more forward still, as if better to read a newspaper which I held in my hands, I got her legs well between mine and very gradually closed them on hers, till I could feel the warmth we gave each other. I watched her over the edge of my paper, and fancied I saw that she was conscious that I pressed her limbs purposely. A soft uneasy look came then into her eyes, and she looked round anxiously at the other travellers, twiddling at the same time her third class railway ticket nervously. I felt certain — instinct told me — that she knew I wanted her, and that I was kindling; in her desire for a prick, if not for mine; for lust is stirred in a woman, by knowing that a man wants to fuck her. Ostentatiously I put my hand under my great coat on to my ballocks, and moved it there restlessly, looking her full in the face whilst doing so. She turned her eyes away, — she'd not done so before, — and I felt then sure that she was thinking of my prick — I wonder what she thought.

Two or three stations were passed, passengers got out, and at length the carriage was empty all but the woman and myself. As he closed the door, the guard eying her, asked for her ticket, and then, "Wrong class — four pence extra — come out." — She preparing to leave, said she'd got in in a hurry. — "Oh yes — come out — four pence." "I haven't a farthing, I paid all I had for my ticket." — She was quite agitated. — Interposing, I said that she got in as the train moved off, asked where she was going to, paid the collector the extra fare for her, and off went the train.

We were now alone in the carriage and the next instant I was by her side, she volubly thanking me. — Plunging at once, I said I'd give a hundred times the amount to sleep with her. "Oh I dessay," said she laughing. "But I'll have a kiss." — I took one without resistance. "It's very kind of you." — "What, to kiss you?" — "Oh no, not that" — and she laughed heartily. I took another kiss. — "It's nice to be gentle-folks and ride in such carriages," she remarked.

The kiss inflamed me, no time was to be lost, for in fifteen minutes she would be at her destination — far beyond mine — and other passengers might come in. Placing one hand on her lap, — "I've been rubbing your leg with mine, have been mad for you since you entered the carriage, you are so well formed, so beautiful, get out at the next station and let's have a glass of wine together." — "Oh I dessay — no thankee sir — but you're very kind." — "Let me have another kiss then." — "No — leave off," — but I took a dozen. - "Give me one," and she gave it. — "There now I've paid you, leave off." — "You've a lovely leg and foot (she'd thick ankle jack boots on), let me see a bit more of it, don't mind me, I'm old enough to be your father." — "Oh I dessay." — But she seemed pleased at my praise, looked confused by it, and as I put my hand down didn't resist my lifting her petticoats a wee bit up. I pinched the calf of her leg. "You've a fine thigh I'll swear" — pinching it outside. — "I'm pretty well covered" — laughing. — Certain that she was randy now, — "Let me feel." — "Oh! I dessay, not for Joseph." — Bending I put my hands up her clothes and just touched her flesh, vigorously she pushed her clothes down. — "Now — no nonsense sir — or I'll get out — I'll tell the guard" Just then we reached a station.

But she didn't get out, or tell the guard, and no one got in — so alone together on we went. I now tried to feel her notch, she resisted but laughing always. Several times I touched the hair of her motte, and felt firm fat thighs, yet but for a moment, and never felt the cleft. "Now you're not a going to, I tell yer — now — I'll get out." — "You won't get out — don't be so cruel, I don't know when I've seen a more lovely creature." — "I will tho." "Feel this before you go." — In a state of reckless libidinosity, I threw open my great coat, and exposed my prick in glorious erection. — "I won't you old beast" — I stood up with it in front of her. —"Feel it." — "I won't you beast." — She pushed me away gently, and in doing so touched it. — Again I stood so — "Oh don't pray. What will they think if they see you?" — Then I hid it demurely, and took my place in front of her, reading my paper, just in time — for at the station some one got in.

We both looked at the intruder who stared at her, wondering I suppose how she came to be in a first class carriage. Soon after I pushed my leg which was nearest the cariage door well forward, and pressed her thigh with it. She didn't move hers away. The other passenger ceased looking, then I put my hand down and clasped my scrotum so that she could see me do it, and a suppressed smile broke over her face. I dropped my glove purposely and picking it up, ran my hand up the calf of her leg. The other passenger was then looking out of the window, tho it was pitch dark. At the next station he got out.

The train next stopped at her station, which was nearly at the end of the line in the western suburbs, a district then only half built over, but with plenty of new roads laid out. I stepped out first not taking any notice of her, waited at the top of the steps till she appeared, followed her till well away from the station, and then went up to her. — It was pitch dark. "Don't follow me now." — "I must, I will, till you let me — come to this coffee shop and have something to eat." We passed one and I guessed there were beds there. She wouldn't — I kept on walking by her side, begging her to let me feel her, only feel her, nothing more, ex-tolling her beauty, saying I'd never felt such firm flesh as her thighs. She turned down a dull new half lighted street, newly formed roads without lights and building land enclosed by fences leading out of it, were soon approached. "Give me a kiss you sweet creature, and just let me feel it once only here, and I'll go." She'd been begging me to go, and I was beginning to think I should not succeed. — "I'll kiss you if you'll go." — "Turn down here then and no one will see us." — Not a person was then in sight in the road we were in, we went down the side road about fifty feet, in the dark I kissed her, she me, and next minute my fingers were between the lips of a thickly haired quim. I was enraptured and longed for more. — "I won't let you" — but she stood still — I would go if she'd feel me. — In a minute she held my stiff stander. — "I'm frightened — suppose we're seen." — A minute after we were fucking up against the railings, and never had I a more delicious embrace. What a clipper her cunt was, — how she wanted a prick, how she enjoyed it, we even put our tongues together voluptuously as our bellies pressed each other, a lingual embrace which I've not often done when having a woman in the open, or in-deed when having uprighters any where, that at this moment I can recollect.

My prick wouldn't leave her, for I was lascivious, she lustful — I'd roused hers, and she didn't hurry it out. So we stood conjoined, both my hands round a large solid backside. We talked in a low tone. "If any one passes it will amuse him," said I. — "These side roads don't go through yet, and there's no houses in them," she replied. No one was likely to pass. I was hoping to fuck again without uncunting, and perhaps she was hoping the same, so tranquilly did she stand keeping her belly to mine, but my prick at last came out, her petticoats dropped. With my handkerchief I wiped my dripping doodle, she standing still just where she'd been tailed. "I've done a pretty bit of marketing in the city," said she laughing. "Have you been to market?" —"Yes, but the price wouldn't do." — "You told the guard you'd no money." — "No more I have expecting what I took to buy with — I must be off — let me go first — don't come further with me, will you now?"

But my passion was not satisfied, I longed to have her again, the adventure so like those of my youth stimulated me. Besides I can still at times fuck twice or thrice within the hour. "Let's talk a little longer and we'll do it again," said I, holding her shoulders. — She couldn't, she was late, they'd wonder where she was, yet there she stood in the cold, talking with me in a subdued voice. I asked her where she lived, how she lived, what she'd been to buy. "Oh them's tellings," and I could get no information, nor indeed cared much about it, all I wanted was time for my prick to recuperate and stiffen again, but it didn't. — "I must go, I really must" — and she walked towards the road, out of which we had turned, I with her, no word about money had passed yet.

It was a dreary half built neighbourhood. Scarcely a person was in the thoroughfare, but she begged me to leave her as she was near her home, and feared being seen. "Now do go, you promised. — Oh, impossible to tell you where I live, or meet you again." — "Turn up here then." We passed and now on the other side of the way — what looked like a similar half formed road. I said I could do it again to her. — She now went willingly up the place with me, and soon her back was up against some railings. I found however that I wasn't quite ready for duty, but the feel of her gluey cunt — she'd not piddled since the fuck — and fat firm buttocks, together with her feeling my pego — all of which took place in silence — reanimated it, and before it was thoroughly rigid I put it against her notch. She held up her clothes to aid me, my prick tip touched the spermatized gap, and rose up stiffer, then clasping her bum I gave it a cautious push, and with a throb, to full size it erected, we were off again, and had an exquisite second pleasure — almost greater than the first. — She responded to my thrusts and aided me voluptuously.

My prick had just left her cunt, when a voice not far off, and as it seemed to me on the land behind the fencing, cried out — "I see you. — I'll tell" — and then laughed. — "Oh! God!" — said she, and rising up

— for she had just squatted to piddle, — took to her heels and ran off as hard as she could, unheeding my, "Stop, stop, it's only a blackguard." — I lingered to button up my trowsers, saying to the voice, "You go to hell." — The voice made no reply, all was dead silence.

— In my flurry I buttoned my trowsers somehow on to my coat, then had to undo it, then buttoned my trowsers to my drawers, then couldn't find the button holes, and so lost time, altho whilst arranging my trowsers I walked slowly towards the main road, thinking she'd wait for me there. But I could see nothing of her, and after walking all about the street and side streets for half an hour, went home, never saw her since, and know no more about her.

What a delicious adventure, beginning and ending in an hour and a half. What led up to it — my lust or hers — or did we both want fucking when we met — or did I communicate the lust to her — or she to me? — I know my evolution of desire, beginning with pleasure in looking at her face and form, then guessing at the sort of cunt she had, then desire, then a voluptuous tingling in my tip, then a stiff prick, then an attempt to possess her, then recklessness. — Did she go thro similar phases of lust? — How I should like to experience a woman's sensations as her cunt heats and moistens, and desire for the man gradually rises till it overwhelms her, and she yields. This woman was not a Paphian class, which made fucking her nicer. Yet how delightful is the facile manner, the frank lewedness, the desire to gratify her lust, which marks the Paphian when in rut. Both in their way are charming, the modest and the immodest, the variety is delightful. This woman was, and will ever be, unknown to me, which makes the episode doubly charming now, when I can rarely avail myself of my chances. It is well that I seize them when I can.

[Once or twice in my life I've been scared when in amorous play — more than once have lost my chance thro scares — I have also scared others, tho I've not told of that here. I should not be so cruel now.]

Legs all my life had almost a greater attraction for me than faces — and distinctly so since I was about twenty five years old. I can now pardon an ugly face even, if the body be beautiful in form. Much as I love a beautiful face, I am sure that my prick has risen more quickly, and lust has thrilled thro me more instantaneously, at the sight of a fine leg and good foot, than it has at the sweetest face. A fine face says to me, — "Am I not beautiful?" — Good legs say to me, — "Fuck me."

One night near Christmas, going along a big, wide, silent street in the suburbs — streets where the houses are detached, with gardens in front and rear — as I passed a gateway, two women — servants evidently — were talking. A tall woman one of them, went off in front of me saying, "Good bye," just as I approached, and I saw that she had thickish ankles in white stockings, and held her petticoats high up. It's strange what simple things will rouse my amatory passions at times. Those white stockings did, and after following her a few hundred feet, I thought I should like to feel her cunt. I'd not seen her face, didn't know whether she was twenty or forty — but she stepped out briskly and I guessed her thirty, and from what I saw at the gate, that she was a servant.

It was a pitch dark night, muddy, and all of a sudden became foggy, and scarcely a person was out. — I'd allowed her to get about thirty feet in front of me, so that I might see the white stockings, and now owing to the thoughts which following her and looking at them had generated, my prick began to throb. If she's game, I can have a kiss or a baudy chaff, which is agreeable; if she's offended, I can but beg pardon, cross the street and leave her. I have done so when I've made such mistakes. Thinking thus, I hastened my steps, and when by her side said, — "You've a splendid pair of legs, I wish you'd hold up the clothes a little higher, and let me see a bit more of them." "They are quite high enough to keep off the mud, and it's like your impudence," said she — laughing heartily tho. — Thought I, she's game, and now knew by voice and manner that she was of the servant class. We just then passed a gas lamp, and I saw that she looked thirty years old if not more. "It's your fault if I'm impudent, for showing your legs so." — "You need not look at them." — "I could not help it and it's set me longing for you." — "Oh in-deed." — I got a little suggestive now. — "Do you live about here?" — "No," — I replied, and telling her where I was going. — "It's the other way, not this," said she. — "I don't exactly know where it is, you come and show me." — "Oh I can't, I must get back."

— "Give me a kiss, you're a fine woman," said I. — She made a sham struggle but I got one, and then an-other, then I felt sure she liked it. — "You're a rude man." — "You've made me rude, for my cock's been stiff ever since I saw your legs. — Let me feel them."

— "You're a very rude man." — "Where are you going my dear." — "Oh — ain't you cheeky." — "I'll see where you go, and won't leave you till I've felt your lovely legs." — "Oh! ain't you got cheek?" — "Give me another kiss, you've splendid thighs I'll swear" — and again I attempted one. Just then some one approached us. "Leave off, you'll get me into trouble, I live not far from here."

This sort of game went on for a quarter of an hour, she slackened her pace, or else I did, and I went on chaffing. At another gas lamp I thought she looked forty. The houses were now further apart and with larger gardens, the fog got thicker. "I shan't be able to find my way home," said she. — "And I'm sure I shan't find my friend's house." — "Leave me now please sir," — said she seriously. — "I won't till I've felt your legs, come here, this is your way home, let me give you a kiss." — "I shan't." — I laid hold of her arm and led her up what seemed a muddy grassy place, which looked like an entrance to a field by the side of a garden to a large house which we had just passed, or else a mews, the fog prevented my seeing clearly what. She permitted me to pull her but it was really only leading her, and when we were in utter darkness and in perfect silence, I kissed her, and held her close round the waist, my belly against hers, telling her about the excitement her ankles had caused me, she saying, — "Now let me go, I really must go." But instinct told me that she knew I meant fucking. I slipped my hand up her clothes, felt big thighs and a fully haired notch, with scarcely any resistance. — "Now I wouldn't have come if I'd thought you'd be so rude." — Then I put my pego into her hand. "Let's fuck my darling — let me do it."

She at every advance I'd made said, — "Oh! no — ain't you got cheek." — But she was randy and meant to let me. When we were both feeling each other's privates, she asked me to promise not to follow her home, for she was in service. — Two minutes after, my hands were clasping a pair of big buttocks and we were fucking. — She'd had many a fuck in her time I'm sure, and enjoyed it immensely. She'd taken off one glove, and felt my pego before she consented, and I'd introduced it to her quim.

The fucking over, we kissed and parted, and I agreed to meet her the following Sunday. She went out of the dark turning, first. — No money was given or promised. Had I seen her ten minutes after I shouldn't have known the woman. There was something about the business which made me fear a clap, but nothing of the sort occurred. — It took me half an hour to find my way to my friend, — it was my second visit — tho really it was not ten minutes walk from his house, where I'd fucked this amorous domestic. I fancy that by a little flattery and persuasion, both of which I'd used, any prick would find an easy entry to her. Sure am I that she'd been well fucked long before I had her. I enjoyed the unexpected adventure immensely.

Then again I went abroad for a couple of months, and amused myself with foreign women, the well kept, well drilled whores, of a French lapunar.

These last two episodes are wonderfully similar in character. There is nothing in that, but it is singular, that they should have occurred so soon after each other.